Review: Neverland on SyFy Channel

By Michael Vass | December 6, 2011

“To die will be an awfully big adventure.” – Peter Pan

Obviously, J. M. Barrie never worked in Hollywood. Even better, he did not live to see cable television or the abomination of a television miniseries that squandered all the joy, imagination, and wonder of his creation, Neverland.

The SyFy miniseries Neverland is neither an adventure nor grand. It never reaches for awe or even a mere plot that is cohesive. Instead for 2 nights viewers were offered a gosammer of a story with potential, 2 big name stars, and enough special effects to distract any pre-teens that happen to have suffered through watching both nights.

Of course nothing on television could be that bad. There of course must be something that was well done in this farcial (and I mean that without a shred of the whimsy the word normally implies) revisionrd prequel to the 1911 classic book. There is. The best thing about this cable television miniseries is the fact that Bob Hoskins (playing Smee like in the failed film Hook) is rarely seen, and Keira Knightley (as Tinkerbell) wisely chose only to lend her voice to the production – their careers will be saved.

The fact that the miniseries starts with inconsistencies is hardly the worst thing about the miniseries. The opening scenes, which prove to have only the most slight connection to anything else we will see, at least provide the potential for grandeur and imagination. It ends far to quickly before we are sucked into a far less compelling story about street urchins cobbled together by a man who is never clearly defined and his right hand Peter (Charlie Rowe).

Peter is the leader, in spirit at least, of a small team of petty criminals. Peter has aspirations of been a successful theif and partner to his mentor James Hook (Rhys Ifans). Hook for his part teaches fencing to the lower classes, while sheltering his waif squad of pickpockets. At this point the miniseries feels more like a bad telling of Oliver Twist in some respects, but it goes on.

Hook has some nefarious friends, that maintain a more glamorous title and priviledge than Hook, who lost his for shadowy and unknown reasons. To regain his lost status, Hook must embark on a perilous theft, so dangerous that he cannot bring his chorus of little theives with him. Which of course leads Peter right into the middle of the robbery.

Not only is the robbery uneventful, it is unclear what risk anyone was initially concerned with. In the middle of this, suddenly, Hook and the crime troupe suddenly disappear – with a fair portion of the store they were robbing. Sadly Peter is left behind. Skipping about 10 minutes of useless chatter that amounts to nothing at all, Peter winds up trying to follow his friends.

Thus we finally enter Neverland. Be happy that I have just save you from 1 hour of the most uneventful television in quite some time.

From this point on, the miniseries is an ever growing list of inconsistent character interactions, unbelievable motivations, pathetic scripts, bland acting, and truely forgettable scenery.

No one ages in Neverland, but equally no one gets a shred wiser. Simplistic acheivements like making new clothes, or perhaps tracking the Indians, completely escape the pirates thoughts – for 100+ years. Native American Indian children, at least 100 years old, never learn to be better than just children. Defenses the likes of which might be appropriate for a game of tag are the best plan ever thought up. Yet there is rum, and enough gun powder and bullets to wage a continuous battle seemingly for eons.

If only this were the worst of it. The crocodiles, which are done in CGI to monstrous size and with 10 legs to boot, randomly infest the waters of Neverland or are completely absent – usually when hordes of bodies are in the water and rip for the kill. The fairies are equally unimpressive. Looking like miniturized adults covered in a gray flour paste covered with tinfoil, they are niether charming as Disney envisioned, nor imposing as this miniseries intermittently suggests.

Perhaps the only other point in favor of the miniseries is that real Native Americans were used. To add to the realism the lead character, Tiger Lilly (Q’orianka Kilcher), is about as expressive as a tree and as cute as well a tree. Yes, in real life everyone is not a model or superstar in looks, but this cable program is hardly trying to attain any sense of reality – lest the female pirate captain look more like a roller derby champion than a pinup model. The only other english speaking native American is played by Raoul Trujillo, as some spiritual monk whose only purpose is an occasional translation for the tribe, or words of wisdom for Peter and the Lost Boys.

In variably, after twists that are simultaneously tiresome, useless, and though chilling, we come to a climax of the series. Hook reveals his true dark motivations, betraying Peter for the … well 5th time that I can recall but there may have been more… and that he is a tourtured soul filled with guilt as well as a lust for power. The Native American Indians apparently wipe out all but 6 pirates (of which 4 are killed leaving only Hook and 1 other alive). Peter accidentally cut off Hook’s hand and Hook knocks out Peter by tossing a pocket watch at him (literally). Oh, and Tinkerbell is banished from her kingdom by the rulers of her kingdom (its in the highly limited dialogue of the fairie scenes), only to be stepped on like a bug.

This sets up the anti-climax, which is supposed to bring us full tilt into the 1911 book. Hook apparently cliff dives into monster crocodile filled waters and swims an unknown distance to the abandoned pirate ship with the last surviving pirate to chase Peter forever. He did this with 1 hand and while continuing to bleed out. Where he gets a new crew (since the Indians killed all his men) is unknown.

Peter reappears with gifts for his Lost Boys, and tells them they will never go home again. This leaves them open for untold adventures, a sure hint for sequels, followed up rapidly by the realization that Peter has lost his shadow – in case the hint about sequels was to subtle. Oh, and Tinkerbell is alive and well. Roll the credits.

Rhys Ifans is an unconvincing James Hook, pirate or not. For that i blame both the actor and the Director, Nick Willing. Willing was also responsible for the writing which feels like it was inspired by the Cliff Notes version of Peter Pan.

Anna Friel, as pirate Captain Elizabeth Bonny, was good at looking good, shouting loud, and holding the occasional sword.

Charles Dance, as Professor Fludd, was perhaps the most in character performance of the cable miniseries – though whether he was trying to be Merlin or a wise sage is unclear.

Charlie Rowe, as Peter, has the good luck of being able to outgrow this performance.

Literally everyone else was both forgettable in their acting and the characters they portrayed. If anything is to be gained from the SyFy revisioning of Peter Pan, it is that the book is a classic that is best read, at worst seen in a play or watched on a Disney DVD.

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Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)