Taylor Lautner to become a plaything

Ok, I really must be getting older. It's the only answer to why I do know what Strech Armstong is, and don't have a clue who Taylor Lautner is. But for anyone else that is out there and unsure of either, never fear Hollywood is hard at work bringing the 2 together.

Lautner will be starring in a new movie titled and based on the toy Stretch Armstrong. The toy is very old, around 30 years or so, and is simply a doll (think He-Man style) with rubbery arms that can be stretched to extreme lengths. You might think that Hollywood is stretching the proposed plot of the upcoming film, but that would assume a plot exists.

Lautner for his part is a "teen heartthrob", which would explain why I have no idea who he is. His claim to fame is being part of the excessively hyped Twillight films. Somehow I expect this film, due out in 2012, to bring many of his fans back to reality.

Why is this film going to be made? Because of all the money Hasbro (which owns the toy) has made off of it's other toys, Transformers and GI Joe. Note that I did not say because of the entertainment Harbro gave to movie audiences (they didn't). This is merely another grab at whatever money is left in your pocket after taxes, if you still have a job these days.

I suppose that Hasbro thinks this is a great time for a movie based on this toy. The "hero" is kind of like Plastic Man, who is sort of a comic book superhero. And comic book conversion films are all the rage in Hollywood. Adding the hype of the kid from Twillight is sure to drive female fans to the film, and hopefully spark new sales of a toyline (sure to be remodeled after Lautner's image) that I doubt anyone under 35 recalls.

Seriously, things are getting desperate in Hollywood. They are making movies based on anything they can find these days. A video game, a comic book, an old television show, now toys. What's next? Board games? Wait, actually A deal was made to turn Monopoly and Chutes & Ladders (Candy Land too if I recall correctly) into movies.

The only thing left is to make a movie based on candy bars, and remakes of revisioned films. And once they start making movies about a Snickers bar you know that it's the end of the civilization.

Coming to a movie theater soon: Monopoly - 2.20.2008.3

The Writer’s Guild strike is over, but the damage may have already taken its toll. Not that there has been any exceptional stories in movies or television in years if not decades. In fact were it not for comic books (X-men, Spiderman, Wolverine, Iron Man, Batman ect), real life events (American Ganster, Hotel Rwanda), and the ever present ‘revisioned’ remake (The Invaders, The Honeymooners, I Am Legend) the quality of ‘original’ movies would be on par with American Idol. And to compliment that vacum of thought or creativity is Candy Land.

Now if you are thinking that I mean some kind of strip club, take your mind out of the gutter. Candy Land is the children’s game made by Hasbro. Yes, this game intended for ages 5 (or is it 3) and up will soon be on the big screen. I can see all the parents lining up for the tickets now.

I don’t know what is worse. That Hollywood is so devoid of ideas and has remade all the quality films and televisions shows that now children’s board games are the next source of inspiration. This must be connected to the Transformers movie (that contained more plot holes and blatantly stupid characters than anything that comes to mind at the moment). It was that fiasco of a movie, that had just enough explosions to numb the minds of viewers, that must have given Hasbro the thought that they have movie worthy material.

Of course the Transformers was originally a childrens cartoon, and then became a comic book. It had depth, of a sort, in the various versions of the cartoon series and character development in the tomes. There was something to build on. Not that any of this made it into the actual movie.

But I cannot fathom a movie based on Monopoly. Or Ouija which is also planned. Though the game Battleship does have potential. In that at least there is some sense, but I would expect it to turn out to be a modified remake of Run Silent Run Deep or The Enemy Below. Modified to be less than heroic or patriotic which is the current trend in military movies, sadly.

The truly sad part? Once these movies come out, and the inevitable sequels and prequels, what is next? If this is not scaping the bottom of the barrel for ideas to base a motion picture on, I’m sure Hollywood will find the bottom. But do you really want to see Doggroomer – the story of Fifi on her daily walk down 5th Ave.

Don’t worry though, a ‘revisioned’ American Idol – The Movie is sure top be out soon.