2010 movies to avoid like a plague

Given that the movies that seem to have the most hype also have been on the list of movies that I think will be good in 2010, there is also a fair chance they won't match the hype and be among the list of the worst movies of 2010. But that's a gamble and I've made my bet. As for the rest of the films in 2010...

Here is my list of films that I am ABSOLUTELY sure will be horrendous wastes of time and money. I could be proven wrong, but I doubt it.

Tooth Fairy - Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson needs a new agent. He is not a great actor, never was. He was decent in action films where he didn't need to say a lot and could use his muscles often. Kind of Arnold Schwartzennager. But unlike the now Governator, Johnson has yet to build up enough action films to allow him to make these awful kids movies he seems hell-bent on starring in. Just wait for the bargain bin DVD sale.

I Love You Phillip Morris - Jim Carrey is the opposite of The Rock. We love his comedic skills. The man is funny. But put him in a serious role and you are looking at a bomb of a movie. Make that film about a prison escapee, with a gay love story at its heart, and you are looking at a film that even DVD sales won't help. But France might like it.

Cop Out - I like Bruce Willis films. He is great as a cop and authority figure. He brings a great everyman quality to the films he is in. But none of that makes him capable of making a bad film good. Oh, and Tracy Morgan just isn't that funny.

Alice in Wonderland - Yes I will stand alone on this one. I know that Johnny Depp is in the film. I know Tim Burton directed it. But people forget that both men LOVE extreme cinema that is anything but mainstream. And the story of Alice in Wonderland is really nigh incomprehensible to the mainstream as is. It will be a good art film, but no where near a commercial success.

Clash of the Titans - Fans of the original movie will be disappointed. Fans of Transformers will likely be in love with this film. Everyone else will have moments of appreciation of the CGI, and depression at the plot in this revisioned movie.

The Back-up Plan - Jennifer Lopez is the star. Do you really need another reason to avoid this film? Ok, it's about artificial insemination as the key plot device.

Wall Street 2 - A thinly veiled political message packaged in a sequel that really is well past it's prime.

Robin Hood - Russell Crowe is no Erroll Flynn. It's another film trying to improve on a universally accepted perfection in movies. The only positive is that it should be better than Kevin Kosner's try at it.

Sex and the City 2 - Did anyone really want a sequel to this rehash of a truly mediocre television show brought to the big screen?

Marmaduke - Live action versions of comic strip characters never work. Didn't Garfield end this concept?

The A-Team - I really would like to be wrong about this. I liked the 80's television show. But revisioning of television shows to fit on the big screen just don't work. At least Ben Stiller is not in this fiasco waiting to happen.

Jonah Hex - Ever hear of the comic book? I didn't think so. This is a comic book to movie conversion of a 3rd rate comic book that no one cared about 38 years ago. Even comic book fans will avoid this. And if you think the plot might help, you haven't read what the plot is.

SAW VII - When a horror movie (slasher, whatever) goes to 3-D for a sequel you just know it's all over.

Red Dawn - Another revisioned remake of an 80's film. Sure to be filled with political messages straight from the far-left field of view. The only thought that might be of interestr is how Hollywood might resolve America-bashing with a movie that is supposed to be pro-America. I really hope I am wrong on this one, but the November launch date does not give me reassurance (it's a slot only slightly better than January).

Yogi Bear - I'll say it again, live action films don't work.

The Green Hornet - Reaching way back in television time, this is a revisioned retread of the 60's show. I just can't buy Seth Rogen as the Green Hornet. Likely the writing will target campy and hit on awful. I shudder at what it will be like.

Next up are the films that are too ugly to classify as good or bad.

Television Review: V - the 2009 series

Well I just finished watching the new V television series on ABC. It does lead one to have several thoughts.

When I watch a sci-fi show, I generally keep an eye out for the 8 critical factors all good sci-fi must have. They are:

Originality

Obey Rules

Writing

Special effects

Plot

Acting

Visuals

Sound

When all of these elements exist and are done well you get Star Wars (episode 4), Star Trek (the original), Blade Runner, and Battlestar Galactica (the original) to name a few frfom movies and television. When they are not, you get Quark - exactly, no one even remembers the show.

The heavily revisioned V loses on originality. But it does ok on sound, visuals, acting and special effects. Just ok, not great or awesome. There is nothing impressive there. (though Morena Baccarin does look good as Anna)

As for obeying the rules, let me clarify. In every sci-fi film or movie, the beginning is critical. In the first 5 - 10 minutes almost every rule of the world or universe being displayed are provided. If there are lasers, if there are superheroes, if a person can control magnetisim or bounce bullets off their chest. The keys to all of what follows are set up immediately, and can only be added on in that context. The Alien vs. Predator movies come to mind as examples of what happens when the rules get broken. You get a crap product.

In this revisioned V series, the rules are still not clear. The aliens have interstellar travel capabilities, look human, are reptillian. They have superior technology and a massive amount of information about Earth. And that's about all we know.

The writing, as well as the plot, is stiff. It all sounds pretty close to right, but not quite. It's almost what you might expect people to say, but not really. Of course that could just be because this is the pilot episode so the creative juices and character development has yet to take place.

The biggest problem I have is with the plot. It jumps all over the place. It skips past vital information. It is obvious in its path and observation. It's slow paced to the point of boredom. It is unengaging, unless you compare it to American Idol - but watching paint dry could be compared in the same way.

Plus there are problems. Lots of them. Some becuase I am old enough to have seen the original, some just intrinsic to this version.

We see that the entire program has been feminized. Which clues us in right from the start that this will be a PC program. Get ready for the political messages as entertainment.

As I guessed all the male characters have major issues. All the women characters assuming all the roles of position and power, which is not a bad thing persay except in the original both sexes had power and position for the good and ill of humanity. It's a subtle message, but a political one all the same.

The men are flawed even when we don't see them. The father and ex-husband of FBI agent Evans (Elizabeth Mitchell) has abandoned his kid. He is so insensitive that he doesn't even speak with his child when the world changes.

Agent Evans is the overworked, dedicated, mother/father, of a teen that just wants to rebel. You just have to feel for her troubles, don't you? I didn't.

But they are 2 examples of what the show sets up as the dominant theme. Men are weak, women will save them and the world. Aren't we lucky, because being equals just won't cut it.

But we skip from that to a terrorist cell. A group that increases chatter as everyone else is caught off guard as the aliens arrive. Not that anyone panics with 29 (down from 50 - some places in the world just don't count as much as they did 20 years ago) alien ships in the sky. Not that any of the religious fanatics might go bezerk with this new question directly facing them.

But before we get far we already know that Ryan Nichols (Morris Chestnut) has a secret. And we are pretty sure that he is a terrorist, likely an alien as well. They telegraphed that punch, like all of them in the show, from about 3 miles out.

Just as fast we get to see that the media is exactly the sleazy ratings whores that many presume them to be. And we get to see that in yet another sex change from the original.

It just does downhill from there. The jewish family from the original - gone as expected. The connection to Nazi's gone. The V itself is now a positive propoganda symbol instead of a resistance sign. The sympathizer boy remains the same though, even as his future love interest is sex changed, and his charcter is combined with the role of the girl that was too dumb to appreciate what she was doing.

I was wrong on one critical thing though. There is diversity in this television show. It doesn't rise to the level of the 1980's but it is better than average for 2009. We have A Black man and A Hispanic woman. We even get to see AN Asian woman. Ocassionally we get to see a few people of color in the background, because this is NYC after all. So I did get that much wrong and I am glad they did get it right (in as weak a version as they did).

Still this show pales in comparision to the original. It has gaps in logic, like if the conspiracy group is so smart, why didn't they check out Nichols? How in the hell did they find this out, and why didn't they spread the word sooner? How do they know ALL the plans of the aliens from day one? Why didn't they have a plan in place for when this happened?

2 things that I did find interesting were:

They slipped in universal healthcare. Except the implication (likely unintended) is that it is a means of gathering sheep that wish to be lead - even to the slaughter.

The fact that those in power can command and pervert the media with such ease. The compromising of Chad Decker (Scott Wolf) seems so much like the way the Obama Administration cuckholded MSNBC. Again I'm sure that was not the intended thought, but there it was.

Overall this television series looks to be worse than I had imagined in my preview. It waters down the sci-fi, and the political grandness of the original, to a meaningless and bland waste of time. It supplants PC themes for plot and motives. It berates and lectures at the audience in a quiet and Hollywood-esque manner.

This show won't make it one season I think. It would have to make dramatic and sweeping changes just to make me watch one more episode. This isn't groundbreaking, sci-fi, or even entertaining. It's the result of of a bunch of Hollywood execs trying to save cash and reusing a great idea in a horrible way.

The only way I can see anyone recommending this program is if the only other option is watching any reality television program, or because your television is stuch on ABC and can't be turned off. Or they were paid a big salary.

V - the 2009 television series

Last night I had the chance to watch the original V series. I remember the television miniseries from back in the 80's when it was originally shown. It was a moving work of television at its best back then, and now.

But in watching the original, which was promoting the upcoming "revisioned" television series, I thought about what we know is different now in the coming premiere on ABC on Tuesday. Sadly, I doubt the impact, message, or interest will survive this "reimagined" program.

Right off the back there are a few things that are readily seen. The first is that the city this will be highlighting is New York City instead of Los Angeles. Another is that unlike the original, and unlike NYC, the diversity of the characters has gone out the window. Add to that the fact that several of the main characters have had their race and gender changed.



In 20 years, somehow NYC has become a place where people of color are incredibly unseen (or more accurately underseen). Which is amazing since NYC is possibly the most diverse population anywhere in the world. And it is that diversity which is a major theme of the program. That ALL human beings are involved and affected. That this can happen to anyone, everywhere. But in the new version, basically if you are a person of color, you just don't matter.

The original had several major characters that were women, or people of color. They were not authorities or people invested with the way of life. Just ordinary people that had to rise to the circumstances they found themselves in. The leader of the resistance is a woman who had no aspirations of power or leadership. But she became more than she knew she could be.

The new version will have women assuming several roles of the male characters from the original. The father that is divorced yet still tries to maintain a good relationship with his ex-wife and son is gone. The image of a strong man, that can work with and support a strong female leader is gone. The thought of ordinary people being more than they ever envisioned is gone.

I can only guess if the Holocaust survivor character will remain, but I doubt it. I can only guess that the hard working factory employee Black single father is also gone. I would bet that the references to social climbing succubi - as portrayed in the original - will be gone. In fact I expect every female character to be a version of Wonder Woman, and every male character to be little more than a boy Robin at best and more often a pack of impotent Renfield's. Just to suck up to the current political correctness of the day.

In the original the change from everyday freedom to a totalitarian society takes mere weeks. The change is fast but based in the very credible fears and weaknesses we all hold. And the Visitors obviously learned a lot about us, as they took the prime example of Hitler and the Nazis to implement their plans.

The new version will forgo that idea. Instead they will focus on a post-9/11 world. Aliens are among us, and have been for years. They have infiltrated our lives and we don't know it. And the world has been prepped for a siege none of us are ready for.

But that takes away from the story. It forgets that some of the most dangerous times in the world have been not when we are under attack (even unknowingly) but when we are feeling completely safe. When the Government and laws change ever so little, but sliding away from what we grew up with.

These are things that have been changed to suck in younger viewers. Because they never saw the original. Because Hollywood executives are sure that younger viewers will not understand the impact of the Nazis or how that could happen in America. Because they believe that feeding off of the hype of recent events is more entertaining than providing a lesson about how history repeats itself when we watch with dull minds.

The fact that this will be a weekly series means that people will not have to pay attention to what is going on. That if you missed something you can just wait for reruns to get it. That watching the show out of sequence will not destroy the meaning of what is going on. And it loses a lot in that.

The original series hit people because it left no stone unturned. It happened in a real world of people from all facets of life. It involved the real issues we all face. It delved into the need for security and comfort of routine. Even with a sci-fi background, it was something everyone could relate to.

The new series proposes to substitute a false image of the world. Where a great number of people don't exist. Where the frailties of society are replaced with the hype of politics. Where some will be able to hide - even if that is just a subliminal effect of what they have done. It is a watered down, self-serving, and quite possibly useless exercise in grabbing ratings.

I will watch the show. I will be more than happy to write a post detailing exactly how wrong I was on every point I have made. I will be delighted to headline a post with my failure to see the benefit of this "revisioned" show. But I wouldn't place a bet in Las Vegas that any of that will happen. Not because I am unwilling, hell I'm hoping, but because there won't be enough substance to cause it to happen.

In addition this new V series will be a ratings whore. It will be shaped by the number of viewers it will get. It will be modified by the popularity of the stars involved. Because every television show is. And when they aren't they get canceled for low viewership.

Television has always been an escape. A way to be amused by the antics that we all can feel safe are restricted to a small screen. When it is at its best and true to the purpose of its creation, television informs and educates. And that happens best in a small dose that has no regard for weekly ratings, star power, salaries, or fickle Hollywood executives. Roots is another great example of what can be done in a miniseries that cannot in a television series.

Will this version of V be interesting? I hope so. Will it provide the same political and societal message? Not at all. Will it rise to the highest goals of television? Most likely not. Will it last? Undoubtedly only a season or 2 at best.

I hope to be wrong. I hope to see a great program that is well written. But what I know I will see is a show that panders to popular political ideals, and seeks to garner ratings over delving into real issues.

Movie Preview: Land of the Lost

I was thinking about the upcoming movie Land of the Lost earlier today. I had been flipping channels and saw that Sci-Fi had a marathon of the episodes on. I watched a few, reminding me of my youth some time ago.

Now the thing is that the children’s television show used to appear in the 70’s on Saturday mornings. It’s campy, unrealistic, and done in stop animation – which looks bad compared to the effects of say Jurassic Park. That doesn’t even cover the bad make-up jobs on the Sleestac creatures that abound the show. But it was entertaining, and even moreso today.

Then I saw trailers for the Will Ferrell movie remake. The first thought I had was instantly ‘revisioning’. Those that follow my movie reviews know that this almost always means a crappy movie. When you add in the fact that this is a television show to movie conversion, well the odds of it being a crappy movie go up exponentially. Perhaps the only way you could be more sure this will be horrendous was if 2 or more rappers were in the film.



The trailers really don’t have any of the campy charm of the original show. From what I’ve seen it looks like it will be a running gag of how wrong, and stupid, Will Ferrell’s character can be. Add in a couple of bits of CGI, and there you go. To say I’m underwhelmed at this point is an understatement.

But this film will draw an audience. Not a big one by my bet, but it might just break-even. Which is a shame as that means Will Ferrell will likely continue on the path of mediocre films he has been doing for years now. He was funny in Elf. But by the time I saw Ricky Bobby, the joke was old. Now it’s as ancient as the dinosaurs are supposed to be.

Let me share a known secret about movies, specifically movie trailers. The editors of any film have one huge job when it comes to the movie trailers, which is to make the film look good. Any halfway decent editor can make the worst film look like a $100 million dollar blockbuster. They tend to grab the best 2 minutes of a film and cobble it together, so viewers will rush in expecting a far better film than they get 9 out of 10 times.

Look at some of the worst films you have ever seen, and check out the trailers of that film. In almost every case you will see a great (relative to the final product) movie trailer.

When I watch the trailer for Land of the Lost, I am immediately drawn to the fact that the writers almost definitely never saw the show. Not as kids or adults. I can also see that a huge chunk of the below the line costs of the film were spent on CGI animation. But what I don’t get are really funny jokes. Or any hint of a plotline beyond the one joke that is obvious (as stated above).

The film makes me think of the revisioning of Dukes of Hazzard and Lost in Space. Or perhaps Starsky & Hutch. Films that no sober person ever saw before, or even maybe after, they hit cable. And they hit cable fast, as the DVD sales sucked as well. They were bad films, remakes of far better television shows, and completely revisioned.

Of course Land of the Lost, and other shows of this ilk, are not targeting my dollars. They know that I remember the show. They know that I would see the trailer and think it was crap. Nope, they are targeting an audience of 25 and under. Because it’s all new to you. And since it’s new, the younger audience is not expecting better.

Hollywood has become a land of low expectations, and lower performances. Movie studios won’t spend the money on an original script – especially when they can revamp someone else’s idea. They slop together a half-thought out idea, and bang there is a movie. They will keep doing this too, until audiences stop paying to see this warmed up refuse.

I’m sure Will Ferrell got paid well for this film. Good for him, honestly. He didn’t have to work hard and got his money up front. I don’t blame him. But I will say that based on the trailer, the running joke, and the plot if you see this movie you will be wasting money.

Dragonball – The Hollywood revision curse

Of course there is the very distinct fact that the upcoming Dragonball movie will be nothing more than a blatant attempt of Hollywood to collect a bunch of money on the hopes of the worldwide fan base. The word to use here is revisioning. And long-time readers know what I think of this now common Hollywood tactic.

But perhaps one of the best ways to discuss the fears of fans of DBZ is said best by this Youtube video.



I think that says it all.